“Don’t sit in the knowing.” The advice that has been echoing. “Sit in inquiry.” Inquiry is pretty powerful if you let it dig in. It's mind yoga, it limbers it up and stretches it all about. I recall considering the possibility that everything I know or think I know might be WRONG. Consider that my thoughts MIGHT be wrong, my opinions about myself, friends, politics, religion - might I be completely wrong? True inquiry digs deep enough to get me frustrated and angry. But there seems to be something loosening up.
This morning I found myself in a curious thread. A polarizing issue like abortion that seems to have weight and integrity on either side (depending on where you’re coming from) seems easier for me to accept I might be completely wrong about it. So I took it to one of my more ‘absolute’ opinions. What about the wickedness of Monsanto? What if politicians aren’t really underdeveloped, frightened narcissists that completely misunderstand karma? What if I completely misunderstand karma? How could I be wrong about these?
This felt a little silly, like a feedback loop. Maybe it’s supposed to feel that way. If the intent is to get this construct of “me” off it’s pedestal and bring attention back to the body, back to now, then feeling dizzy might be the ticket. Long exhale. I actually SAW a thought. I noticed it, looked at it, seeing it as mind chatter and not true awareness. Zooming out I could see that these thoughts can create a cloak. Anything I “know” supports a separate “me” and continues to reinforce the facade constructed over the true me. So it worked. I challenged ALL the knowing (although it immediately distilled down to one thought) with persistent questioning and I wacked the steward of Gondor on the head with the wizard staff. He thinks he’s king because he’s been doing king stuff for so long.
From Erica: “It's almost as though the 'best' you can do is to just have your tippy toes hang over the edge of the cliff. There is no way until truth is revealed that the 'you' could actually 'know' so what to do now? Make that veil thin- thin it out- the moment you go to your head bring attention to the body- which is a great device because it is usually a better 'truth o meter.' I found that in diving deep into what I believed I was I eventually could sense what I was 'not.' It's not about making a 'better Narada' - it's about seeing how the identity of 'Narada' is constructed and feeling the attachment to that- Adyashanti refers often to this quote 'the way to nirvana is thru samsara.' It's a perfect description.”
Sitting with the breath and body seems to require more patience than I expected. It’s so hard to stay with simple concepts in meditation. I want to make them more complex, more analysis and strategy. Most all of my conditioning is going to pull me in a direction that puts my mind at the center, my ego in the middle of the action.
One thing is for sure. No security is offered in this practice of inquiry. I’m told I’ll eventually realize there’s nobody there behind the idea of myself. Intellectually I get it.